Forget Her
by Jupitercrash
Summary: AU after Edward leaves in New Moon. Edward runs into Bella four years later at Dartmouth only to find she is very changed from the last time he saw her. Can he convince her to forgive him? Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

It had been four years, two months and twenty-one days since I left Bella crying in the woods in Forks, Washington

_Lights go out and I can't be saved  
Tides that I've tried to swim against,  
You've put me down upon my knees  
Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing_

_-'Clocks' (Coldplay)_

CHAPTER ONE - Edward's POV

It was four years, two months, and twenty-one days since I left Bella crying alone in the woods in Forks, Washington. I had spent much of that time wishing for death but I still remained strong in my belief that I had done the right thing for Bella. Even if it killed me, that did not matter as long as she was safe and well… and alive.

The one time I went back to Forks, I hadn't seen Bella, hadn't even tried to seek her out. The mere sight of her exquisite face would have tempted me to stay beyond my ability to resist. But there appeared to be nothing amiss in Forks, and Charlie's thoughts were of the average Charlie variety, so I felt certain she was safe and was able to leave the town with some peace of mind, at least. Bella never needed to know that I had been there, ready to reclaim my place in her life if she'd needed me, if anything was amiss.

I had gone back east, to New Hampshire, as far away from Forks… and my memories of Bella and our time together… as I could get. Eventually, I enrolled in Dartmouth, starting life as a freshman student for the…. how many times had I gone through university now? I'd lost count. Carlisle was overjoyed, both because he thought I was finally "getting over" Bella and moving on, and also because he'd heard rumours about vampires in Hanover. Since I was coming here anyway, he'd asked me to track them down and ask them to leave. I was to quietly and politely lay claim to Hanover and its surrounding territory as ours, in effect, thus saving the local citizens from becoming prey.

So here I was at Dartmouth, running late for my first class on my first day as a student. In addition to "enjoying" all the normal freshman activities I was experiencing for the umpteenth time, I'd spent my morning trailing the faint scent of others of our kind… at least one, maybe more… as they criss-crossed the campus. They were here, I was certain, but I couldn't track them down. They seemed to be everywhere. The faint scent even trailed into the building I was now entering: Sanborn Hall, home of the English Department and my Composition 101 course.

I followed my map and my nose into a large lecture hall filled with students, all chattering and laughing as they waited for the professor to begin the first lecture of the semester. Could the vampire I was following be a student? Might they actually be in here? It didn't seem so; the scent was much too faint for them actually to be present in the classroom, but it had been equally faint everywhere else I'd tracked it around the campus so I was unsure. And very confused.

I forced myself to tune out the thoughts of the students around me. It would be extremely difficult for me to get anything out of the class if I didn't block them out. All the mind-talk of parties and dating and deadlines was an impossible distraction, and probably would drive me mad with boredom as well.

'_-la to sort that out for me today,_' the Professor's mind droned. '_Perhaps she wouldn't be averse to grading these first few essays I'm about to assign. That could free me up for an evening with Tracey. I'll have to see if they'll unchain her from her desk in the Sciences Department to go out. Or we could stay in…_'

_Right_, I thought, _that's enough of that_. I tuned out the ramblings of his mind and forced myself to listen to his words instead.

'I am Professor Wilson, and this is Composition 101, generally known as Bonehead English," the professor said with a grin. "If you are in the wrong class, please leave quietly. My office hours are from 8AM until 10AM, right before this class. If you need to see me and I'm not in, you can hunt up my grad assistant. Talking to her is as good as talking to me, people. She can help you with most problems, and if she can't, then I probably can't either.' He laughed lightly and then called out, 'Isabella? Where are you? Oh, there you are. Could you give the people a wave, please? Let them know what you look like?'

_Isabella_? I thought to myself, shocked. _It couldn't be my Bella here. At Dartmouth. Could it?_ I forced myself to be rational. It couldn't be her. Bella couldn't be a graduate assistant. I didn't actually know where she'd ended up going to college, but no matter where she'd gone, she'd still be an undergraduate. Carlisle had, at my request, set up some sort of financial aid for Bella so she would be able to attend college but I'd also begged him not to tell me where she went. I hadn't wanted to know, hadn't wanted to be faced with the temptation. If I'd known where she was I might not have been able to resist finding her, going to her, crawling back on my cowardly belly to beg her forgiveness.

My world stopped when he waved to his left, to a student sitting in the front row. Long brown hair veiled her face and I could see small black eyeglasses perched on her nose. She shyly raised a white hand and gave a little finger wave to the hall. Sweet Jesus. It _was_ Bella. _My_ Bella.

I drank her in, revelling in the sight of her. It seemed a lifetime since I'd last seen her and to my eyes she had changed very little in that time. She looked a little thinner, a little more fragile to me now. Her beautiful mahogany hair was still a thick, straight curtain and she still hid behind it. The glasses were new and I decided instantly that they suited her very well. Of course, she could have been wearing a chicken suit and I would have thought her beautiful. She hadn't even looked up from her notes as she waved, so I knew she hadn't seen me. And even if she had looked at the class, I was sitting at the back of the large lecture hall and it would have been almost impossible for her to have noticed me in the crowd of students. But I would have known her anywhere. I took a deep breath, hoping to detect the scent that both tortured and sustained me. My body ached for a long-overdue hit of my most potent drug. Her scent had always been the most potent thing in the world to me and, no matter what, would always overlay any and all others in a room. When the inevitable reactionary burn _didn't_ scorch my throat, I took another whiff.

I was shocked when I realized that the signature fragrance of the creature I had been tracking this morning was clearly present in this room, faint but definitely here. Looking back over at Bella, I watched as she took a deep breath and sighed, pulling off her glasses and baring her unguarded profile to my hungry eyes. God, she was beautiful. I could happily watch her for an eternity. Once more, I traced the curve of her cheek with my eyes and then forced myself to focus on the vampire I was supposed to be tracking. I reluctantly closed my eyes, instantly missing the sight of Bella's lovely face, and concentrated on the creature's elusive scent. It was very subtle, and yet, as I concentrated, I noticed that it was remarkably like Bella's – the intoxicating scent of strawberries and freesias almost buried beneath the _other_. It was her scent, but mixed with a sweetness that she hadn't had before. What could change, what could dilute a scent in this way?

I shivered as I thought about this vampire, possibly hiding in a roomful of students, just waiting to catch my Bella unaware. _My Bella. _ I laughed to myself at my presumption; she wasn't mine. Not anymore. Any rights I might have had were given up when I left her in those woods. But she was still mine to protect and protect her I would. No matter what. I looked around carefully, searching for the tell-tale skin of another of my kind, for a pair of sunglasses worn even indoors to hide glowing red eyes. When I saw nothing and so I growled softly, knowing the other would hear it and understand the underlying challenge.

I froze in surprise and horror when, at the corner of my vision, I saw Bella jerk suddenly and turn to stare into the mass of students. I saw the vampire shine of her eyes even before I noticed the colour. Their liquid gold called to me like a siren, a thousand more times more potent than even her blood had been. As she saw me, I could see emotions reflected on her face… surprise, shock, longing and then well-deserved revulsion fluttered over her features before she turned her head away again. It seemed impossible, but I swear that I heard my heart break sharply in two in that instant. In a flash, she put her glasses back on and swung her hair around to hide her face.

My head spun as the truth hit me like a freight train. Bella was _changed_. She was one of us. The scent I'd been following was hers; still undeniably appealing, but it also undeniably vampire. I laughed grimly to myself as I stared at her with a mixture of hunger and dismay. Who had turned her? When? She looked no older than when I had left her, and yet the changes were there. She looked so very tiny and breakable, and yet I knew that her white skin would be as durable as mine, her muscles as hard, her body as cold, and her heart as still. The cadence by which I'd measured my minutes, the heat with which I'd warmed myself, the fragility I'd cherished and cared for… gone, all gone. I sat silently and mourned their loss.

And yet, even as I grieved for her mortality, for everything that made her human, some small part of me rejoiced. I could hold her properly, touch her without fear of breaking her spun glass bones. And kiss…Good God in Heaven! I could kiss her with all the passion I'd locked away, with every morsel of love that I had stored in my silent heart.

I allowed myself a moment to fantasize, to dwell on everything I wanted, the whole cornucopia of delights that I hadn't dared to indulge in, before reality came crashing over me again. Her one silent look had spoken volumes. She loathed me and I had earned that, every bit of it, many times over. I had lied to her, broken my promises to her, left her alone, and abandoned her to her fate. She was a monster now, like me, and she _hated_ me for it. God knows I could understand. There were times that I hated Carlisle for turning me into this monster, despite my ability to read his thoughts and know just how earnest he was and just how much he loved me. And Bella hadn't even the love of her creator. Or had she?

Had she just moved on, found the next vampire to wander through the Pacific Northwest, and persuaded them to bring her over? Or was she a hapless victim? Oh, if that were the case, I would find the one who did this to her and rip them limb from limb for daring to touch my Bella.

I needed answers, and I needed this class to end. _Now_.

The agony of frustration and impatience nearly drove me mad as the minutes ticked by like hours. Only once before could I remember time dragging like this. That first biology class had tortured me with fantasies of killing Bella; this class tortured me with fantasies of reuniting with her.

I memorized the way she sat there, hunched quietly over her notes. Her muscles were tensed and she was sitting on the very edge of her seat. It was obvious that she was waiting for the first opportunity to run from me. I drank her in with my eyes. Her sense of style hadn't changed at all. She was in her predictable uniform of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt, with a hooded sweatshirt over it. She probably wore the sweatshirt out of habit, or perhaps to blend in, because I knew she wouldn't be feeling the cold. I saw her shoes and smiled – bright pink Converse. Cute.

Observing her more closely, I noticed the way she blended in was remarkable. There was no expanse of empty seats surrounding her as there was around me. Students willingly, comfortably sat next to her; one young woman even asked her for a pencil when hers broke. She handed over a spare with a polite smile. No one around her seemed to have any fear of her, subliminal or otherwise.

She was nothing like the rest of us, she was no predator with a thin veneer of humanity as a pitiful disguise. Except for the moment she had looked up at me, she appeared completely normal. Even her skin looked soft and pliable. It was very pale white, just like that of any of our kind, but it did not appear to be hard or uncomfortable for a human to touch.

And her scent! It was so faint that it was nearly undetectable. When I had been tracking her outside, her scent trails had appeared to be weeks old, even though some of them must have been laid this morning. How was she doing it? Did she even _know_ she was doing it?

I tried to listen to her thoughts, but just like before, her mind was silent to me, as if she was not even there. It frustrated me as much as it had in the past, and yet the familiarity pulled at my heartstrings. She was still my Bella, despite the changes.

I smiled to myself when I thought about how excited Alice would be at the shopping opportunities. She'd loved shopping with Bella, dressing her up, and I knew she missed Bella terribly. She tried to keep her thoughts about it quiet for my sanity's sake but it still leaked out occasionally. My whole family missed her, in fact, even Rosalie, but even together they could not generate a tenth of the longing I felt.

The thought that I had left her for nothing filled me with a crippling regret. I had removed myself from Bella's life so that she could have all the things I couldn't give her: a life, love, children, maturity, peace from all the unnatural things to which I'd exposed her. It seemed that despite my sacrifice, the abhorrent and unnameable had found its way to her anyway. I was furious with myself. It was only my fault that I wasn't there to protect her. I should have been selfish and married her myself, watched her grow old, and then eventually died when she died. Why had I suffered so intensely? She had become a vampire anyway, which meant that I had hurt us both so deeply, so terribly, for nothing. _Nothing_.

I had no plan, no idea what to say to her, no idea what to do. Obviously, I had expected to ask the vampire I was tracking to leave the area but I certainly wasn't going to ask _her_ to leave. God, I just wanted to talk to her, to fall at her feet and beg her to take me back. But judging by her reaction when she'd spotted me, that probably wasn't a good idea, although it was the most appealing one. Just to be near her, to speak to her, to hear her voice again... it was all I wanted. Perhaps I should ask her to speak to Carlisle. She had loved and trusted him and I was certain that those feelings hadn't changed, no matter how much her feelings for me obviously had.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and wished desperately for the class to be over.

"That concludes our class for today," Professor Wilson droned on. _Finally._ "I'll expect your papers next Thursday. Class dismissed."

Oh thank God! Making my way out of my seat to the aisle, I prepared to find my way over to Bella, but she exited hurriedly through a door at the front of the room. I raced down and nearly flew into the hallway but she was gone. I took a deep breath, but her scent was so faint that gave me no clue as to her direction. _Damn_.


	2. Chapter 2

Don't fear,

_Don't fear,  
Even thought you're at a loss.  
I'm numb,  
A shell of empty thoughts.  
But you glow,  
You stretch and pull me out.  
Does that trouble you?  
Does that trouble you?_

Love me,  
Hate me,  
Make me live again,  
I need you around.

Heal me,  
Hurt me,  
Make me live again,  
I want you around.

_- 'Live Again' (Better Than Ezra)_

After an hour spent fruitlessly searching the campus for Bella, I pulled out my cell phone. I hadn't decided whether I was going to call Carlisle or Alice first when the phone began to vibrate in my hand, telling me that I had a text message.

_E -_

_I'm coming. And I'm bringing you a shirt. Don't go anywhere until I get there._

_-A_

I breathed a sigh of relief at the realization that Alice was on her way and that she already knew was happening. I stood there, telling myself over and over that I wouldn't lose Bella. She wouldn't just pack up and leave town. Surely she would stay, to honor her obligations. That was the Bella thing to do, wasn't it? I couldn't imagine her running away.

Although, I also couldn't imagine her having to live the lifestyle we lived. Alone. Especially on a university campus.

I stared at my reflection in a rain puddle. _You did this_, I thought, self-loathing turning my eyes black. Choking back a sob, I realized it was a good thing I couldn't cry actual tears, for if I could, an ocean wouldn't have been large enough to contain all the tears I wanted to cry for Bella.

Hating myself even more for wanting the release that weeping could have brought, I thought about the differences between Bella and I. The way the students surrounded her was further proof of what a despicable creature I was and showed that she, despite the change, was still an angel.

My image in the puddle taunted me with my contemptibility, my utter loathsomeness. Bella used to tell me I was beautiful. But now I just felt broken, ugly, unfit company for one as perfect as Bella.

It seemed only right that the heavens would open and rain pour down on the campus. All around me, students ran in every direction, searching for shelter from the storm, but I just stood where I was, allowing the rain to take the place of the tears that should have been running down my face. It was a good thing that I could not cry, because I knew that once I began, I would never be able to stop.

It was only a few minutes until Alice arrived. She walked up to me, carrying an open umbrella and a fresh shirt.

She held the shirt out wordlessly, looking almost apologetic. My hands shook as I took off my wet shirt, ran my fingers through my drenched hair and quickly put on the dry shirt. The rain and Alice's umbrella gave me a modesty of sorts, and I didn't have time to go seeking out a men's room to change in. And anyway, although the new shirt Alice had brought was dry, the rest of my clothes, and my shoes, were still drenched from the rain.

"Where is she?" I demanded. Alice opened her mind wide, seeking Bella through her visions. In Alice's mind I saw Bella rush into a room and begin to throw clothes hurriedly into a suitcase, dry sobbing and swearing as she did so. Another vision flashed and burned in my mind: the look on Bella's face as she opened a door and saw me standing there, the hurt and rage that distorted her features at the sight of me standing there.

_Come on_, Alice thought at me. _We have to get there fast, she's on her way out_!

We dashed across the campus at vampire speed, Alice thinking directions to me frantically as we ran. We barely paused at the door to the dorm, barreling through and racing desperately up the stairs. Alice finally stopped on the third floor, outside a room marked 317. 'Sorry, I've got a migraine,' was scrawled across the whiteboard attached to the door. My heart ached at the thought that Bella was so close, right behind this door.

I stood there, frozen, staring at that door, trying to get up the nerve to knock. Suddenly, the door was flung open and Bella stood in front of me, her face twisted in an agony that I couldn't help but recognize from personal experience. Her beautiful golden eyes were lifeless and dull and I realized that she shared the same feelings of anguish and loss that had tormented me constantly since the moment I'd left her alone in the woods. But her suffering was even greater than mine as she thought I'd left because I no longer loved her. I at least had had the comfort of knowing she loved me, or at least that she had loved me at the moment of our parting.

"You left me," she said, her voice catching on a sob. "Why have you come to find me now, after so long?" I stood there dumbly, the pain that flooded through me at the sound of her grief clogging my throat and preventing me from speaking. I thought I had felt heartache before, when I'd lost her. I knew now that I was wrong, that what I had endured in the past four years was nothing compared to the torture of knowing that I'd caused her to suffer such grief and torment.

"Bella," I whispered, barely able to force the simple word through my frozen lips. "Please, I…" I didn't know what to say to her. As I stood there mute, Alice stepped out from behind me and enveloped Bella in a hug.

"Alice," Bella cried as she embraced my sister almost desperately. "Oh God, Alice."

My sister was much smaller in stature than the love of my existence, but at that moment it seemed as if Bella were the slighter and more delicate of the two. I cringed as I saw the intensity, the ferocity with which Alice held her, having to remind myself that Bella was no longer as fragile as she had been in the past. I thought that it might take me a lifetime to adjust to Bella's new state.

I turned away from the two of them and moved to close Bella's door. Our reunion did not need to be witnessed by the other residents of the dorm.

"Oh Bella, we've missed you so much. Come home with us, please," Alice said, almost pleading. "Just come talk to us. All of us, we all want to see you. We've missed you."

"You're all here?" Bella said, her voice sounding broken. "All of you? Carlisle, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper? Esme?" She choked on my mother's name and suddenly I wanted nothing more than for Esme to be here, to guide us through this unbelievably painful moment. I realized that Bella still loved my family, at least, despite what I had done to her, how I had hurt her.

"Oh yes," Alice crooned, pushing a lock of Bella's hair away from her face. "We are, and we all want to see you. Carlisle is on his way home from the hospital right now, Bella, because he wants to see you so badly. Don't you want to talk to him?"

I was right. Bella's love for my family hadn't diminished at all over the years and at that thought I felt a faint flicker of hope. Even if she never loved me again, and I felt certain she wouldn't, she could at least have my family to love, and to love her. I would leave forever if my presence made her uncomfortable. The loss of my family would be worth it, I knew, if it gave her some peace and happiness.

But first, I needed answers. "Bella," I whispered. "Who did this to you?" She stiffened at the sound of my voice and turned to face me, still safely cocooned within Alice's arms.

"Other than you?" she spat. I flinched the fury in her voice burning me like the sun. But I knew I deserved this from her. Much more than this, in fact. But I still needed to know, feeling within me the clawing desire to avenge her, to punish whoever had dared to lay a hand on my Bella.

"Bella," I begged. "Please. You have to tell me what happened."

"Tell you what?" she retorted. Her eyes were black with rage. Rage at me. It broke my heart to see it. I stepped forward, moving towards her, and she pulled away from Alice's embrace, backing away from me. At that, at the realization that she was trying to flee from me… from _me_… I lunged at her. I grasped her by the arms and pinned her forcefully against the wall, reminding myself that was no longer a fragile mortal, that my strength would not harm her anymore. Even so, treating her even the least bit more roughly than I had when she was so breakably human felt unnatural.

She wrenched one arm free, lifted her hand, and slapped me across the face so hard that my teeth rattled in my skull. Instantly, my depression and self-hatred turned to anger. I locked eyes with her and slammed her against the wall once again. I wasn't going to let her go until I got the answers I so desperately needed.

"Go to hell, Edward," she panted. A growl rumbled in her chest, and I knew that if I'd had a soul, it would have shrivelled at that sound. As I stood there, staring at her, she pulled her fist back and punched me hard in the mouth.

"Jesus!" I swore, grabbing her arms before she could hit me again. "Where the hell did you learn to hit like that?" My frustration at this situation increased, fuelled by the pain from the fierce blow she'd landed. She wriggled against me, trying to get free, and my anger began to be mingled with desire as I pinned her arms at her sides and held her there against the wall.

"Let me go," she growled furiously.

"Like hell I will! Tell me who bit you."

"No!"

"Fine," I rasped, only barely resisting the urge to kiss her until she couldn't breathe, until she could no longer even remember her own name. It had been a lifetime since I had felt her lips moving under mine and the temptation was overwhelming. I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm the tumult of emotions that flooded my brain and stole away my reason. "If you won't tell me, then you can tell Carlisle."

"Stop it," Alice growled, low and deadly. "Both of you. Just stop it."

Still panting, I released Bella and backed several paces away from her. As my anger began to cool, I began to feel completely and utterly ashamed of myself and my behavior. I sighed, dropping my eyes to the floor in shame and humiliation. "Bella, why don't you ride with Alice," I said quietly, not daring to look up at her again for fear of what I might see on her face, read in her eyes. "It's obvious that you don't want to be anywhere around me. I'll follow behind you."

"Come on, Bella," Alice said softly, soothingly, sounding almost like she was trying to talk a jumper back down off a ledge. She held out her hand to Bella, who hesitated for a moment but finally took it reluctantly. Alice shot a glare at me, clearly warning me not to say another word, and I followed them meekly out of the room.

The drive back to our house was excruciating. It seemed that every superlative I had lived through before was being exceeded. I'd thought I was miserable before, but this was worse, much worse. If I had ever been sad, or confused, or eager, or hopeless, this was worse.

We pulled up in front of the house and I lagged behind as Alice and Bella got out of their car and headed towards the steps leading up to the front door. I stood leaning against my own car and listened to the babblings of the frantic minds inside. Everyone was home. Carlisle was warning them all to try to remain calm but I heard Esme's mind before I saw her.

Straight as a shot, Esme was out the door and down the steps, hugging both Alice and Bella to her. Alice stepped back after a moment so that Esme could wrap both arms around Bella, holding her close.

"Bella, love, we have missed you so much. Welcome back, my dear daughter. Please, please come in." She cupped Bella's face with her hands and looked deeply into her clear brown eyes, seeing clearly the signs that Bella had become one of us – a Cullen.

If such a thing were possible, I know Bella's eyes would have filled with tears at Esme's warm maternal greeting. Her relief and happiness were clearly visible in the way she relaxed into Esme's embrace.

God, I wanted to hold her too. Just once more.

When Esme released Bella, she gently propelled her towards Carlisle, who was waiting eagerly to greet her as well.

"Oh Bella," Carlisle whispered. It was the fatherly tone I knew so well, the one he reserved for beloved, lost children.

She threw her arms around his neck and held on tight while he stroked her back gently. "We have all missed you so much," he whispered into her hair. "Welcome home, child."

Thunder rumbled in the sky, and we hastily headed indoors. Emmett was waiting in the foyer. He grabbed Bella and swung her around, kissing her loudly on the head. "Hey squirt! I missed you!" he crowed happily.

She squealed and laughed and he set her back on her feet.

"Tried any bear yet?" he asked her, with a wide grin.

"No, I've been saving them all for you," she teased.

"Ah, finally, I get a _nice_ sister!" he joked.

Rosalie stepped forward next and gave a cautious grin. "Bella," she said, simply. The tone of her voice said everything – apology, regret, and acceptance. Bella smiled back hesitantly, reaching out to take Rosalie's hands in her own and grasping them tightly for a moment.

Jasper was waiting in the living room, his thoughts a jumble of excitement and hesitation. He had always been very cautious with Bella when she was human, keeping his distance to avoid the temptation of her blood. Now that he could get to know her better, he was excited but also hesitant in case his scarred skin frightened her. His worries were unnecessary, I knew. Bella walked up to him slowly and hugged him. "Jasper," she whispered. "How have you been?"

Our eyes met over her head as he sunk into her embrace.

"Good, Bella," he lied. The emotional tone in this house had been almost solid mourning since we… no I… left her. Some of us were coping better than others, but there was a definite Bella-shaped hole in our family. Jasper felt it more keenly than the rest of us because his own feelings were echoed and amplified in us all.

"We've missed you," he stated simply.

Bella wrung her hands and stared at the floor. "I've missed you all very much," she whispered. "More than I can say. But I can't stay."

The room was silent but within the minds of my family, the cries of denial were deafening. But even so, they were as nothing compared to the anguished cry of my heart. I knew that I would gladly have given away any shred of a soul I might have possessed if she'd just say she would stay.


End file.
